Day 31 Florida 2017

Well, let the next chapter in the great 2017 holiday adventure begin. It’s 7am and were ready to move onto the next venue, New Smyrna Beach. I’m sure readers from previous blogs will know this place, as we’ve been going there every year for the past 21 years, and always stayed with our welcoming hosts, Vivien and Terry. We’ve got to pack first though, which includes making room for all of the stuff Sam left us, which, after searching his room, now includes a full set af ski gear and a guitar amp…what was he thinking?

If I’ve learned one thing on this latest trip to central Florida, its that the traffic has, all of a sudden, gone stupid. Doesn’t matter what time you head along the main motorway, the I4, its worse than the M6 between junctions 16 and 18. You get past Celebration, and hit traffic, then Disney, traffic, then, and I don’t know why, there’s always a build up by Premium Outlets, before the inevitable jam near Universal, and then through downtown Orlando. That’s one thing I’m not going to miss. We’ve both said that 5, even 10 years ago, the traffic wasn’t even a fraction of what it is now, but for some reason every car in America wants to use this road when I’m using it. And the worst thing that could have happened during all this? Your SatNav asking you, “Do you wish to find an alternate route?”. This means that all my little short cuts, found through years of leaving crumbs, are now comparable to the A500 at 7.45am…

The problem, yet again, in my opinion, lies with bad driving. I played golf with a bloke the other day who insisted that its a localised phenomenon, and that 10 miles either side of this area, people are normal behind the wheel. Well, if that’s the case, here are a few tips for drivers in the central Kissimmee area, from many countries and nations. Unfortunately, due to time and space restrictions, ill be writing in English….you’ll have to use google translate to convert it to your native tongue, which should not be a problem, as most of you seem to be playing on your fucking phones rather than concentrating on the road anyway….

Firstly, those large chunks of metal all around you are other cars. They’re not there to give you a challenge, they are also using the road around you. Those white lines on the road indicate which is your lane. Yes, all for you! They aren’t a guide line you must place your car in the middle of, your car should be BETWEEN them. Should you wish to move from one lane to another, use that stick by the wheel to let other drivers know what you’re doing. Yes, I know that’s a radical thought, but it has several uses and is not just to wash your windscreen or change the radio channel…try it. That gap I’ve left between me and the car in front is for my safety, in case that car applies its brakes…its not me being courteous to you and letting you pretend you’re on a NASCAR track by weaving in and out, honest. Oh, and one last thing, in two miles you need to turn right off the highway….fourteen signs have just told you that. Here’s a big tip. Put your phone down and read those signs. Now, with a mile to go before your turn, there it is! Another sign telling you to turn right. I know you’re in the left lane, and you’re taking an important call and texting your Mum (or Mom as they say here), but now is your chance. Please don’t wait until you are on the junction before braking down from 70mph, in the left lane, bringing it to a standstill, then moving right, without indicating, bringing the centre and right lanes to a standstill, any hastily swerving right, texting your Mom to tell her what assholes are on the I4 at the moment.

Did a bit of shopping yesterday. There were a lot of Spanish speaking families wheeling cases around. At first i though that Cases R Us was having a knockdown sale, but as it turns out, the cases are to pack in the masses of clothes they buy. Ive noticed extreme shopping like this before, but never on this scale. And Chinese too! Everywhere, and all using the afore mentioned Google translate to complete their purchases. I witnessed one Oriental Cash n Carry Pundit at a checkout using her phone to ask if they had the said item she was trying to buy in a larger size, using her phone, only to be told that, “Bigger shirt is for my liking bread” made no sense. A quick word with the supervisor sorted it out though. In Spanish, via another translation app. I didn’t mind waiting an hour though, I’m sure shell enjoy the socks. And what’s with the Mexicans? You can tell they’re Mexican because they look Mexican. I’m not being racist, Mexicans look Mexican. English look English…..socks with flip flops, red bodies with the occasional white bit where Dougie went a bit overboard with the factor 50, football shirt, and the obligatory tattoo of “Nan” on their shoulder. Oh, and the men are the same. But apart from early 2000’s Manchester United Supremo Chicorito, does anyone know of a Mexican that smiles, and doesn’t look like he’s just about to pull a gun on you and kidnap your feet? Anyway, enough of my xenophobic ranting…as Nikki says, I should be typing this at home and not when I’m driving…Ooooh, here’s my junction…

One last thing. I popped into a shop, and as usual, I was greeted by an elderly lady, who introduced herself as Marge, and stated that if she could help with anything she’d be right here. “I’m after some golf trousers Marge”. “Oh, do you play golf?”. “No, I’m just interested in looking like Bruce Forsyth whilst I walk round Hanley”. This country

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