Day 30 Florida 2017

Well, we’ve been here a month now, and yesterday morning we dropped Sam off at the airport, as he’s flying to New York to be a counsellor at Camp America in Pennsylvania. Three months of looking after rich kids in the hills and forests of the Pennsylvania New York border. It’s customary amongst rich American parents to send their kids to summer camp for summer, to escape the city and to help them build life skills, and with Sam as their mentor, I’m expecting a shed load of Jewish children to be experts on Football Manager and Scorsese films by September! On an educational note, this all started in the 40’s, when bankers and businessmen from the city sent their kids away from the smog and bustle of life, to relax and enjoy their summer break at camps, set up in the middle of nowhere. But at a price. Apparently, kids at Sam’s camp pay at least £14k for their stay. And for that, they get Sam, Hugh and Patrick (Sam’s friends from home who are joining him) teaching them the real meaning of football, including the “Cruyff Turn”, the “Ronald Step-over” and “How best to accuse the ref of being a wanker, politely suggesting he got the last decision wrong”. All money well spent i think you’ll agree, rather than that totally confusing game the Americans call “football”, where you pass a rugby ball backwards, then kick it forward for a man to catch and get jumped on, then bring a bloke on the pitch for ten seconds to kick the said ball through a big H, before paying him $20million a game, then taking him off. Give me the offside rule any day….

So, to update you on the afore mentioned Sam. At stupid o’clock we dropped him at the airport, not 24 hours after taking him to see the doctor in extreme pain with sunburn (or if you’re reading this in the insurance claim department, an allergic reaction to an unknown substance). To be honest, which is not like me, the sunburn was one thing, but the redness, swelling and rash was something completely different. I’ve never seen anyone react like he did, unless you count that video they made us watch in the Police, where a man is suffering from excited delirium. He was so hot and in irritating agony that he was inconsolable and punching the walls. I was so glad we took him to the 29 year old, blonde, ex-playboy model doctor, who seemed to work miracles with him. A happy ending….

The place is a bit empty now, so me and Nik are able to do things like relax, do nothing, and walk around semi clad. We don’t do naked anymore, not now I’m 50. Seems rude, and not in a good way. Besides, it’s only a matter of time before we get a Skype call from Georgia giving me an update on my hanging baskets, tomatoes, and lawn. Fuck, i sound like a man in his 50’s! It wouldn’t be right to let her see a naked man walking round the house with a beer…not at 7am. Not with beer…

I’m getting a little bit homesick now, not for anything in particular, but just because Friendface and other social media sites are constantly reminding me about how glorious the weather is at the moment. Doesn’t matter where you go after saving your hard earned pennies, there’s nothing better than England in the summer. Green grass, fragrant flowers, barmy evenings with a beer and a BBQ with friends. Dunner get much better than that. Got to slum it here in Florida for a bit longer though. Got to put up with 94* during the day, then a massive thunder storm, every day, at about 3pm. Played golf yesterday at an old favourite, Southern Dunes. Glorious cloud free skies right up to the 17th hole, and I wasn’t playing that bad either. Then, on the 18th tee, a few spots fell…..by the 18th green we were soaked, and running to the clubhouse in the most horrendous rain and thunder storm I’ve ever witnessed. Thing is, and I don’t recommend this, as i drove away in my golf shoes, and still wearing my glove like some demented golf themed Michael Jackson tribute act, not a mile down the road it was as dry as a bone, with dry roads and clear skies. I went into the petrol station, or as they’re called here “gas stations with an attached superstore the size of Costco”, and people stared at me, soaked to the skin, as they applied more sunscreen, wondering if I’d taken advantage of the petrol stations spa and shower treatment room, I’d just not taken my clothes off.

Anyway, today, with no one in the villa but us two, there’s only one thing to do….go shopping.