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Day Two Florida 2015

Day Two…..Women and Shopping

Well, as many readers will note, when we arrive in the land of States we are up the very next day very early. 5am to be exact. Didn’t get to bed until stupid o’clock having been up for twenty four hours, and find myself up and wide awake after only 20 minutes sleep. Or so it seemed.

Up and at them early, as everyone was awake and ready to go. Trouble is, nowhere is open.

Wal-Mart, shut for stock taking which will take until 2017, The Malls don’t open until 10am, and the only shop we can find open is Burlington Coat Factory. Nope, it’s not a coat shop, not even in Burlington. Isn’t even a factory, in fact, the whole shop is a lie. I’m straight onto my MP (obviously).

I bought a T shirt, but Everyone else spent up before the 9.05am alarm went off to signify that the registers are open. From there to the Florida Mall, just down the road, and it all kicked off when we noticed that the food court has not only moved, but gone upmarket! The little Chinese bloke who hands out chicken in a sauce on a cocktail stick, shouting “Bourbon chicken”, and hands out pieces of melon wrapped in passion fruit leaves, shouting “Bourbon chicken” is still there, but he’s now handing it to you in a small paper cup. (Apparently someone tried to eat the cocktail stick thinking it was part of the seasoning in the chicken, and when the cocktail stick got stuck in his throat, the paramedics were called. A swift examination revealed that the man didn’t have a brain, and now everyone has to eat chicken from a cup. Speaking from his luxury yacht in the Seychelles, the victim said he was happy with his damages payout and justice had prevailed).This has nothing to do with the diary but…..in fact it might have, as it’s a true story. It’s once again 5am on the second day, and I’m watching the news. There are two stories that have made me smile.

The first…
“The Food and Hygiene Standards Agency (That’s food people) are looking into complaints that a woman from Orange County made, after her five year old son and his friend ate washing detergent liquid pouches, meant for washing machines. The children were taken to hospital but released after a short time”. I can just see the woman’s complaint now….

Dear Lever Brothers, Proctor and Gamble, Kraft, and any other multi billion dollar company who will listen. I am stupid, and my son thinks your detergent is so tasty that I think he may be stupid to. Can I have some money please? If not, I will go to the papers and tell them how stupid I am, because of the 48 billion liquid pouches used last year in America alone, I let my son eat one, and although he’s fine now, his breath smells of Lavender and Camomile. This could cause irreparable damage in later life. Please give me money. Love Chastity. (actually, her lawsuit, as it turns out, changed the whole advertising of the product – so what do I know)

The second….
A Central Kissimmee man is today starting four years behind bars after he was caught lying down on the floor in a Wal-Mart store to take photographs up the skirts of shoppers. John Delaney of Orlando pleaded guilty to the charges to receive a reduced sentence, after Police found he had a database (pronounced Daddabase) containing over 7000 photographs.

Two things. Why don’t we dish out suitable sentences? And secondly, out of the 7000 or so victims, at what point did someone think, “Right, I need bread and some coffee and….oh sorry Sir, I didn’t see you lying down in front of me. Gosh, I nearly stood on your camera and interrupted your masturbation. I’m so sorry. (actually it was probably victim 7001).

Back to current news, Georgia (Daughter) paid about a grand for a watch yesterday, but it’s got to go back as its falling apart…more of that to come.

Right. Eagle eyed readers will notice that there was no post yesterday. This was due to a Union ban on the publishing of the blog on a daily basis. The temporary agreement was to publish on a bi daily basis, thus having more to write about, and making time in a morning to make sausage biscuits with egg rather that write, because “Dad I’m hungry”. It’s also timely to mention that in Hooters yesterday, we had a good points, bad points session, where we all discuss the aforementioned qualities. There was a unanimous vote from the kids that “Mum, you do control Dad. He can’t do anything without your say so”. I’d go on, but Nikki says I’ve got to make coffee…..

We did that Disney malarkey yesterday, visiting Epcot, which stands for Earth Project Community of Tomorrow, and not every person comes home tired, which is more relevant….What a brilliant park.
Nothing has changed here at Disney, except the price again, it’s still over a hundred dollars each to get in, which at today’s exchange rate is over £65 each. Two drinks at a drinks cart £6. A quick stop off in Norway for a goats cheese waffle, which is apparently typical Norwegian fare, £8. Italy and Japan saw us buying some shaved ice with syrup, at £6, a Gatorade turned out to be £3 (when Wal Mart sell them at 40p), and then a quick £60 meal at Hooters. $18 for two beers in a London Tavern… Tinner cheap this Florida thing……

“Oh, and other trait you have Dad, is that you moan about spending money, and you’re very frugal”. Is that a good or bad thing?

“That comes from growing up and having nothing, and I also tend to hoard stuff just in case. What’s that screaming noise kids? Oh I know, it’s the moth in your wallet trying to escape”

“But we’re kids, we don’t do that”. Kids. Nearly 20 and 23. D’you know what I was doing at your age..etc etc etc yawn.

In the news today, which slightly distracted us from an alligator molesting case (it’s true, a man was convicted of molesting a blindfold alligator), is the story of a man who’s just been sentenced to 30 years in prison, for giving his father in law an “atomic wedgie” and killing him. For those uneducated, the afore mentioned wedgie consists of pulling the rear pant area so far up the victims back that you can actually hook the now “elasticus maximus” over the persons head. The suspect, in this case, did this and strangled the victim. 30 years for a wedgie. One to tell the grandkids.

Back to Epcot, just for a moment. If you are ever lucky enough to come here, there’s a ride called Storm Struck. It’s advertised as “experience extreme weather conditions in this wonderful storm simulator. Discretion advised for younger riders”. Sounds good. However, in the queue in front of me is a two year old wearing oversized 3D glasses. What’s going on?
We enter and take our seat with trepidation….
Turns out this is a public information film, in 3D, telling us that in a hurricane, felt shingle (whatever that is) performs better than tile (it’s tiles!) and taping your windows up is useless. Again, in 3D. You do the math. (It’s maths!).

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