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Day 21 – Florida 2016

Imagine Goergia lying on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, make up everywhere, and moaning like an fridge from the 50’s. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what drinking heavily the night before looks like. It’s 2pm, and to give her credit, she managed to keep quiet during a drive back from the beach, a short stroll around the Mall, and even when I was throwing our cars around corners as we approached home. It was then, and only then, that she decided to pray to the great toilet God in the sky, before having a little siesta. Bless.

I digress…we’ve just returned from a short trip to New Smyrna Beach, where the temperature was 97 in the shade. But there was no shade. Hence why at the moment we’re all walking round like a bunch of slightly sore flamingos.

The day before, the majority of our troupe went on a Segway safari, which basically means hiring a Segway at an extortionate amount of money for an hour, and even paying a bloke to come with you. The safari wasn’t around the Serengeti, a boggy creek or even an old K-Mart car park….it was around Disney Celebration, which is about as posh for this area as you can get. Big houses, fancy cars, they even have sensors in the trees to disperse the insects should it get too hot. I find it difficult to comment anymore about the Segway trip, as I wasn’t part of it. All I will say is that they all thought it was brilliant (like skiing on land apparently) and Jason tried to kill Sharon by driving his Segway, at speed, into her arms, as she lay vulnerable on the kerb, having just had what was described as “a mishap”.

What I decided to do was play Universal at their own game, and try and get my own back by making them give me money. Didn’t quite work out, but I had a good go. I took a co-pilot and back up monkey in Conor, who needed to go to Universal to change a t shirt he’d bought two days ago. He asked me not to put in here that he’d bought a girls t shirt by mistake, and that it had Elsa and Ana on the front, so I won’t. Anyway, as I approached guest services, and bear in mind that Guest Services should be exactly that, I opened our dialogue. “I need to come in to change a t-shirt….I’m not going into the parks, and I’ll be here for a few minutes only”. “How many in the van?”. “It’s a People carrier, and there’s just the two of us”. “Bit weird isn’t it, just you and the boy?”. “He’s not my boy, he’s a friend”. (This isn’t getting any better is it?) “Anyway, I need to come is, as my friend needs to change his girls shirt”. “Tell, you what, I’ll give you 30 minutes. After that, I’m coming to get you. I’ll check my cameras. I see your face in a bar or on any of the rides, and I’ll put you up in lights on tonight’s news at nine…you understand me?”. “I think so Sir, is there really any need to be pointing the gun at me in that way?”. As I drove away, I could see him in my rear view mirror, noting everything about my MPV, including my I ❤️ Security Guards sticker. Anyway, Dolores, sorry, Conor, changed his top. We had pizza for tea, in a strange change of form, and played cards into the night….of course I won. I’m disappointed that you had to question me…..

Onto New Smyrna Beach, which is a hidden gem I shouldn’t be telling you all about. Early start for an early start, out on the boat, thanks to our genial hosts, Terry and Viv. There were plans for more people, but thanks to a boat malfunction, we were only joined by Marty and Scott, whilst Timmy and Dianne made sure they were ready for the evening by sleeping all day and reserving a table at the local pub for late night escapades (see earlier picture of Georgia for result of that).

We went out to the islands off the coast, that only appear at low tide, and sat there, shade=less, for the best part of the day. I had read all the medical facts about exposure to sun, but I also believed that if you drank beer and kept yourself hydrated with Bloody Mary mix, and ate all you could at an impromptu BBQ, that you’d be ok. Turns out that may be erroneous advice. We’re all a bit suffery this morning. Thanks to Vicki for the loan of her beautiful house for the night, and thanks to Terry and Viv for putting up with us….

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