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Day 15 – Florida 2016

Well, as I type I’m surrounded by visitors. I say surrounded, 75% of the King family (Jason, Sharon, Abigail and Conor – Conor is still in bed, and probably will be until Tuesday). Yep, the first of our visitors arrived last night, after a marathon 24 journey via Chicago. We’d prepared for their arrival, by buying beer, more beer, and steak. Oh, and crisps. You don’t want to be drinking on an empty stomach now do you, and you can’t cook the steak sober.

It’s a bit early to comment on what the score is so far, but despite a mammoth journey here, and a late finish of 1.30am, they’re up and wide awake at 7am. The curse of the jet lag. I’m going to go on a bit now about America, and the sometimes stupidity that engulfs it’s inhabitants when they get behind the wheel of a car. Firstly, when you hire a car in America, I’d often wondered why there was an iPad holder and a book on the dashboard. I’ve recently discovered that it’s so you have something to do when you’re sat at the next set of traffic lights. And the next set. And the next…. Flocking traffic lights! They go on green for about five seconds and then stay on red for a year. Then, when they change to green, the driver in front has a bit of a yawn, checks his emails, rings his long forgotten school friend to catch up on the last 30 years, then decides to put it in gear and move off. By the time he’s done this though, the lights are back on red and I’m sat at the bastard lights again. And there he is….the Light Beggar…..

The Light Beggar is the scruff who wanders through the stationary traffic at the lights, and asks for “any spare change”. To be fair, the lights are on red so long he’s got enough time to erect a shanty town, form a governing body and declare himself president, before being overthrown by a militant regime. And when he says spare change, what he actually means is paper money. If you give him actual change, he’ll swear at you as if you’ve eaten his children. I’ve discovered a way around this legal extortion……when entering McDonalds, there is an employment section at the front, and application forms. Grab a few. The next time you are asked for “any change”, ask the man if he’d like a job, and hand him a McDonalds form. He’ll either do one of two things…he’ll thank you for your Alan Sugar like assistance, and go get a position at the outlet, raise to manager within a year, and buy a house. Or he’ll take the application and use it as toilet paper…either way you’re helping him.

And another thing American drivers…. Those white line things in the road are lane dividers. They guide you along and let other vehicles use the road too. They’re not a guidance system you straddle whenever you want, causing everyone else on the road (Yes, other people use the road) to brake and swerve, and call their insurance company. Oh, and road signs. They’re not light reading as you pass, they’re actually directions. I’m hungry now, and I need to stock up on application forms…McDonalds it is….

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